The Things I’m Afraid to Write About
The Atlantic | Sarah Hepola
“Fear of professional exile has kept me from taking on certain topics. What gets lost when a writer mutes herself?” In this tale of a writer operating in the confines of fear, Sarah Hepola opens up about the cost of self-censoring and silence.
“The unwritten rule of elite media tribes seemed to be this: You spout the company line, or you shut up. And that’s why, midway through a career built on speaking out, I shut up…”
“From 2015 to 2021, my private conversations were some of the best I’ve ever had. Taboo subjects have always been delectable, but suddenly we were living in a time when so much that was once considered fair game for discussion (education, biological differences, the benefits of policing) had become dangerous. Phone dates with writer friends in other parts of the country stretched to two and three hours as we worked out essays we would never write, toggling between outrage, despair, and armchair cultural analysis of the latest dustup…”
“Every once in a while, I’d get a head of steam about some scandal, and I’d start a big-swing essay only to bench myself a few days later. Not gonna die in that ditch today…”
And then, the moment came when she hit a wall. How to go on?
“In the end, I did what I have done for the past 25 years whenever I hit some crisis in my career. I kept going…”
“Staying silent as writers in this fractured world is understandable, maybe even wise; it’s also a disservice—to society, the career we fought so hard to claim, and ourselves… But in silencing our own moral compass and strongly held beliefs, we’re hanging ourselves out to dry, rendering our wisdom and insight useless. We’re missing the chance to learn. To listen.
So this is my resolution as I trudge from this dark place: to speak out more. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. Not because anyone asked for it, but because this is the career I’ve chosen, and if I’m not doing that, then what are we doing here? I suspect I will lose followers (I don’t have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect.”